Senator Joe Biden is known in Washington as Mr. Amtrak. He commutes 250 miles a day by train from his home in Delaware whenever the Senate is in session. He proudly claims the title of "Amtrak commuter".
Yet Delaware, the state he represents, has recently been hit with the most draconian fare increases and largest ridership losses of any of the 46 states Amtrak serves. Why? Well... it's partly because Joe Biden accidentally voted his fellow commuters off the trains!
Joe Biden needs help, now, to keep up his commuting reputation. So here it is...
Fightin' Joe Biden's 12-Step Amtrak Reputation Recovery Program
Joe Biden: He's Got a Ticket to Ride
Step 1: Admit that most of your fellow commuters have mysteriously disappeared, perhaps because of legislation you accidentally voted for.
One of the oldest tricks in the book of legislative skullduggery is changing the proposed language of a law after it has left committee and before it gets to the printer.
In the rush to vote, few ever notice the secretly planted changes... until they become law!
That's how a Missouri senator, acting on orders allegedly issued by the White House, got Joe Biden to vote to destroy Amtrak commuting in his own home state.
One Lonely Congressman "Gets It"
Step 2: Recognize that Congress has forgotten why it owns a railroad.
Once upon a time, the government protected U.S. citizens from the monopoly abuses of "robber barons" who controlled the railroads.
Then, when passenger rail became unprofitable, the government took over the trains, rather than lose U.S. rail travel as an option.
Forgetting the point of owning a railroad at all, though, Congress has recently decided to play robber baron itself.
Why Pay More? Because It's Delaware!
Step 3: Get really indignant that Amtrak treats your state like dirt.
Take a look at the Amtrak train schedule, shown at right, for prime commuter train 170 that leaves Washington at 5:02 a.m. and reaches New York City at 8:12 a.m.
Does it seem odd that the price of a ticket to NYC goes up by $36 when the train gets to Delaware?
Any chance that this is Amtrak's way of kicking back its subsidy dollars to Washington politicians, while playing robber baron on up the line?
R U Able 2 Spell "Amtrak"?
Step 4: Ponder the not-so-rhetorical question, "Can a White House that can't spell "Amtrak" be trusted to run it?
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
Most commuters pay for their tickets with after-tax dollars. That means that for Delaware's citizens, it takes about $20,000 of salary just to get to work, about $10,000 more than it took in 2005.
If taking abuse like that from a government-run robber baron railroad makes your blood boil, find a positive outlet.
Playing a physically violent game with mallets sometimes works.
Throwing Grandma from the Train!
Step 6: Ask yourself, "Will congressionally mandated puppy-kicking be next?"
There is an easily discovered prejudice on Capitol Hill that Amtrak commuters are "a bunch of rich stock brokers."
There may be a few, but most had ordinary jobs -- office manager, garment industry, museum curator, newspaper editor, etc. Some were still learning English.
It's no fun watching grandmothers agonize over their retirement savings, or young kids giving up on their first job out of college.
The Plot to Kill Amtrak
Step 7: Research history and think back, "What happened right about the time your commuting buddies packed up and left the state?"
The doubling of fares on Amtrak's Northeast Corridor job commuters wasn't, apparently, about making Amtrak more profitable.
Indeed, revenue dropped as people fled the trains, many quitting their jobs or moving out of state to keep them.
There was actually a very overt administration attempt to destroy Amtrak in 2005. Getting rid of the commuters was just a precursor to the intended shutdown.
Amtrak's "Board of Death"
Step 8: Figure out who tried to kill the railroad .
The orders to destroy Amtrak appear to have come from the White House, yet even Amtrak's president didn't know exactly who wanted the railroad killed.
A Missouri senator secretly planted legislative language to destroy Amtrak's commuters, while a Michigan representative handled the House.
Amtrak's board, stacked with administration loyalist donors who had no rail experience, performed the commuters' final execution.
The Lost Station Invitation
Step 9: Recognize that Frenchmen would be laughing in their boulevards if they knew how badly Americans manage their national railroad.
Amtrak is often ridiculed for not turning a profit. Yet keeping rail as a transportation option in the U.S. costs the average citizen just $5 a year.
As for on-time performance, Amtrak dodges freight trains all over the country, and track congestion is growing.
But once in a while, Amtrak does something genuinely, positively stupid, like losing track of a train station.
Delusions and Daydreams in Delaware
Step 10: Issue a clarion wake-up call to Congress, and don't ever smoke, eat, or drink whatever got into the other U.S. Senator from Delaware.
In the video at left, Delaware's "other" senator makes perhaps the most clueless speech since Marie Antoinette pushed cake.
Whether he intentionally lied, or Amtrak directly misled him, or a senate staffer concocted false speech points is unclear.
Rightly or wrongly, a staffer took the fall. When a senate expense account pays for your tickets, though, it's apparently possible to miss a commuter massacre right under your nose.
Joe Biden's Original Invitation to Help
Step 11: When you make a mistake, but can still set things right, seize the day and do it.
The law meant to destroy commuters was cryptically written, and it broadly prohibited Amtrak from selling any tickets below 50% of "peak" fare.
Amtrak only applied that law to the commuters, and continued to sell tickets at 10% for "group" travel.
Joe Biden was offered one of those "illegally sold" tickets to make a protest point on behalf of the Amtrak commuters. The offer still stands.
My Offer to Serve Barack and Joe
Step 12: Realize that you can't do everything alone; accept help from those ready, willing, and able to serve you, Delaware, and our country.
The video at left was made in 2007, when I had been working on Amtrak research for about two years. I'm now up to three.
It's been alternately exhilarating and poignant for me to be politically active over U.S. rail issues. The exhilaration comes when democracy works.
The poignancy is that our national railroad is so badly maligned, misunderstood, and mismanaged. We must do better. Please let me know if I can help.
Check your state and station's ridership reports here!
